DEAR ABBY: When my son was 17, he met an "older girl" who was 21 and began an on-again, off-again relationship with her. Fast-forward two years: He now has a felony and several misdemeanors for fighting with her, and they have a wonderful little baby boy whom neither can take care of. I have been supporting the child.
The young woman is schizophrenic and bipolar and will not stay on her meds. I feel torn because I don’t want to be raising children at 49, but my son refuses to take care of the baby because he "isn’t ready to be a father."
I can’t leave my grandson with a mother who can’t take care of him (her other child was taken away from her), and she can’t hold a job because she’s in and out of the hospital all the time.
She won’t feed him and treats him like a baby doll — meaning she forgets about him and leaves. I’m afraid my son would abuse the child if he’s forced to be a father. The alternative is putting the baby up for adoption, which would break my heart.
How can I make my son understand that this child is his responsibility and he needs to step up and be a dad? — DESPERATE GRANDMA IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DESPERATE GRANDMA: Forgive me if this seems negative, but if you haven’t been able to do it by now, your grandchild may become a man before your son does. If you aren’t strong enough to assume responsibility for raising the little boy, then, as much as I hate to see another child go into "the system," he should be made available for adoption. However, if you think you could manage it, then talk to an attorney about getting formal custody of your grandson, so you will be given the authority you’ll need to raise him without interference from either of his birth parents.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together for four years now, and we have yet to set a wedding date because he has "unresolved issues" with my mother. Is there any way I can convince him to talk to her about them, or go to premarital counseling? I’m ready to set the date. — UNSCHEDULED BRIDE IN GEORGIA
DEAR UNSCHEDULED: Four years is a long time for issues to go "unresolved." Are you sure this man still wants to marry you? If his behavior is any indication, this may be how he will deal with problems and disagreements after you are married — and it isn’t healthy.
Before you devote any more time to this "engagement," ask him when he plans to accompany you to premarital counseling, because if he’s waiting for your mother to die, it could be a long time before you make it to the altar.
DEAR ABBY: Year after year, people are reminded to visit elderly people in nursing homes, taking cookies and entertainment — like children’s choirs, etc.
My mother used to work in a nursing home and she said it made her sad to watch the huge influx of people during December, only to see January roll around to — nothing. Once Christmas is over, people go back to their lives, feeling good about their visit to the nursing home or shelter. But the residents are still there come February, June, September. Perhaps the directors, volunteers and families could spread their visits over the entire year instead of focusing only on December. — JUST A THOUGHT IN LUSBY, MD.
DEAR JUST: Your mother is a caring and sensitive person. What she said is valid, and I hope it will be given serious consideration.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.